once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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