im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
