Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize