Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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