I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
