How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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