he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
