for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
