i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
