I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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