Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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