2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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