It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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