how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
