Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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