God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
