every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
