Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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