Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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