I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
this hospital has no fireball
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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