how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
