shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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