Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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