just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize