Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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