Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
