Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
