the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
