Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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