I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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