I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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