Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
