Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
