Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
well you can't waste a boner
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
