I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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