At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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