I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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