It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
