Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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