It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
