Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The air was thick with penises
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize