these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
do herpes really smell.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
