Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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