Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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