Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
