You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
