is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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