you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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