My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
