After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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