the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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