If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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