Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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