i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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