cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
