Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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