Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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