Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You made out with two different species that night
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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