the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
