Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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