you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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