Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
