i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Michael Bay diarrhea
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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