when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
