dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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